the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
