Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
