I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
My liver just had a heart attack.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
