I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
