I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
