I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
