she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
