Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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