Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Come on in and take your pants off
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