Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
