For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
