I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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