literally had 100 drinks last night.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
