someone threw a dead crab at me
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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