I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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