Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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