if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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