I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
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