I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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