its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
