He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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