do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
