I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
