from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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