He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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