I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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