mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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