I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
