I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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