meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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