got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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