please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
