It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I wish there were birth control emojis
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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