Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Randomize