when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I licked your asshole in confidence.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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