My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
