You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
