What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
