Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
