I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
