I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
