For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize