WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
