haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
