told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
