I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
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