I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
