i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
