hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
