About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
