hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
