i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
