I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
