I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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