420 ftw
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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