Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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