Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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