I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
