ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
