lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
