I need to stop coming to work sober
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
